I was 19 when I met Hubby Byren, around the time he was about to turn 22.
I had never been in a long-term relationship before, although I knew that he had been in one.
As we dated and spent more time together, I got to do a lot of things that I hadn’t previously done with other guys before; go to a drive-in movie, go ice skating, see a stand-up comedy show, watched a rugby game at a local stadium and the list really does go on. I had my age against me there and I also the guys I dated never really cared about actually going on any dates.
Over the (few) years that Hubby Byren and I have been together, we’ve had long and deep conversations about our lives before each other, always initiated by me. He doesn’t believe that there is any reason to discuss the past. However, I insisted and I almost always found myself feeling down afterwards. There are many firsts that I have shared with Hubby Byren, but I couldn’t say the same in his case, where he had also dated a lot more than I had. I guess it bothered me because there were many things we wouldn’t ever share joy over together for the first time.
I know it was stupid of me to think as such because he had a life before he met me and it was ridiculous for me to feel angry over this. I didn’t feel anger but sadness. Pure sadness.
We share all the big ones, you know; living together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids. These are all the big moments, but I’m talking about the small ones. A trip to the zoo, watching a live musical, taking a road trip. While these things might not matter on the bigger scale, I’m the type of person to cherish the big moments as well as the smaller ones.
A few years ago, I remember telling Hubby Byren that I loved him and that he was my first love. I remember him keeping quiet and then apologizing that I wasn’t his first love. I remember crying (thinking back to how silly it must have been) but I was truly hurt by his words. I wasn’t expecting to hear that but I have always known Hubby Byren to be an honest and straightforward person. Although sometimes I wish he wasn’t so my feelings could be spared a little. But that’s who he is, honest truth over soft lie.
We hadn’t had any of these conversations in a long time and it never bothered me to have them either, until recently, to be precise, on our anniversary. We were on our way to drop the boys off at my mom in law for our one night getaway and the mood was soaring high. I was looking forward to spending some alone time together because we haven’t so properly in a while and it was deserved. For us to also be spending the night away from home was super thrilling and I expressed my excitement, saying that I’ve never stayed at a hotel with a guy before. Without giving it a second thought, I asked if he had done something like this before. And he calmly replied yes. I could feel my excitement draining out of me like a tap that had been opened on full, as I realised this would be another first I’d be sharing with myself. I didn’t say anything to him about it, nor did I want to ruin the evening with my silliness.
I didn’t want to end up sulking all evening but I just couldn’t step off the thought train. I started wondering if he enjoyed all the things he had already done as much as I enjoyed them, to me the moments were new, to him a second experience.
Something inside me changed. I told myself that the only person that was harbouring these feelings was me and I was making things unpleasant for no one but myself. Hubby Byren didn’t care that some things he had experienced before with others because he was with me and he was the person to be claiming my firsts, and that to him made all the difference. It also made me realize how stupid I had been all this time and for the way I had been looking at things in the incorrect way.
My perspective made a turn around when I finally saw the bigger picture; yes, he may have had many firsts in his life before me, but I was the one he had asked to marry, I was the one he chose to spend the rest of his life with. And with a whole lifetime together before us, there will still be many firsts, but there will never be any lasts.