Recently I’ve been doing some thinking about my life, specifically the relationships I have with people.
Which made me see things in a more transparent manner because I realized how much dead weight I was carrying with me. Dead weight might seem like a harsh word to use, but honestly, that’s how it felt; feeling weighed down by relationships that brought no value to my life anymore, and the effort I put into maintaining them was going to waste.
One of the relationships that came to mind was my sons’ Godmother, C. While I was pregnant with Monster, Hubby Byren and I had a discussion about who we would choose to hold this title. At the time, C was dating W, and since they had both been part of our wedding party and were close friends of ours, we decided to ask them.
About two years later, C and W broke up, and we never heard from W again. So C stayed on as the only Godparent. At that time, I didn’t fully understand the importance of a Godparent. I thought it was about having someone to take care of the kids if anything had to happen to us. We never made anything official, it kind of slipped our minds, but it didn’t change the fact that the question had been asked, even if one party wasn’t in the picture anymore.
Earlier this year, C and I had a major fallout. Being friends for seven years, we had never had a single argument so this had been quite a blow. Afterwards, I tried to maintain the friendships, keep in contact and arrange meetups but nothing ever came from C’s side. No matter how frustrated I felt with the situation, I still pursued with keeping the friendship alive.
I remember I just woke up one day with the realization that even though C wasn’t making an effort to see me, she was also making no effort to see the kids. And then deeper thinking made me realize that that had been the case all along. Sure, she had been there for the birthdays and so forth, but there was no other attempt to spend time with the kids and anything of that sort. Earlier this year, we finally had some answers to Monster’s hardships and never was there an attempt from her side to find out what the answers were. Surely the wellbeing of your godchildren should be important to you, right? When Monster almost broke his fingers, I recently realized she had no idea of the event. And she wouldn’t have known about Gremlin fracturing his leg if I hadn’t told her. What input did she have in my kids’ lives really? What was the point of being a Godparent?
It got me to thinking back, before the fallout, how things were different. And I realized they weren’t all that different. C never really spent time with them, never really got to know them properly. If anything had to happen to Hubby Byren and I, how would she know how to look after them; if she didn’t know what they like and don’t like. Especially Monster, knowing how to handle his meltdowns or how to calm him when he felt like the walls are closing in on him. All these things are important aspects that Godparents should know and understand, not only start learning when the kids could be in their care.
And I made the decision for change. We needed someone who knew the kids, who understood them. We needed someone who was involved in their lives, even if not so much in ours (although also important). We needed someone who cared and wouldn’t think twice about rushing over if there was an emergency. We needed someone who put in effort, love and care into our kids’ lives, not only for the good times but for the bad as well.
And C wasn’t coming through with any of these, and sometimes I think she never really did. While I have nothing against her as a person, I felt that she wasn’t suited for the responsibility, she wasn’t suited for the time and effort that went into being a Godparent.
Today I have a better understanding of what a Godparent should be and how involved they should be. And not because they are expected to be, but because they want to be. And that makes a huge difference. We acted on impulse when we made the decision a few years ago and we didn’t take into account what the expectations and the responsibilities of a Godparent were.
When I let C know that we had made a decision to make someone else Godparents, her response was a simple thumbs up. No questions. I was confused at the response because surely someone that truly cared about their title would want to know why and maybe even object to it? However, it just showed me again that I had expected too much from C, and I should’ve gone in with an open mind. The lack of effort made me feel that we had definitely made the right decision in choosing different Godparents, ones that had been involved in our kids’ lives from the very start, right under our noses and we never appreciated who they were in our lives and everything that they had been doing. Making efforts without expectations, involving themselves in our lives and the struggles we have faced and loving the boys, really loving them. Making an effort to understand them, knowing how to handle tough situations and earning their trust.
While I wish things could’ve worked out differently, I don’t regret the decisions we have made because at the end of the day, we don’t make these decisions for the present, but for the future. I know with a clear conscious that if anything even had to happen to us, our kids would be in good hands, loved and accepted with open arms.