Today has been a day of mixed emotions.
Relief from finally having answers and anger from the answers we got.
We took Monster to a Play Therapist this morning. As he isn’t good with new people and environments, I was worried about how he would manage the session without looking for us or trying to run away. He surprised us by walking into the Classroom while Hubby Byren, Gremlin and I waited outside.
The reason why we decided to take him to a Play Therapist is because his speech is still pretty far behind, he hardly wants to participate in anything he doesn’t find of interest, refuses to potty train for number two and has extreme anger outbursts.
We found out that he has low muscle tone early last year, and he has been seeing an Occupational Therapist ever since. We have seen so much improvement and progress in him. But still there were other problems that kept popping up that we needed to address and get to the bottom of.
The hour wait felt like it was never going to end. We could hear laughter from the Classroom every now and then, and felt reassured that everything was going well and he was cooperating and enjoying himself.
We didn’t speak much to the therapist before the time. Her method is simple; she sends you forms to complete (17 pages in total) and then has the session. She won’t necessarily speak to you afterwards about her observations, and will use the forms and what she witnessed to set up a report.
However, we did speak. Which made me start worrying because I was afraid of hearing bad news of some sort.
Her question was; “What happened at his school?”
Me: “The recent one or the previous one?”
Her: “The previous one.”
Hubby Byren and I filled her in on the bullying he had endured from the teacher and the kids in his classroom.
She then told us that during his session, she pointed out an adult first on a picture and Monster’s mood went from content to anger. He started banging on the table and picked up a plastic bat and just started swinging. Once he calmed down, she pointed to a picture of children, right next to the adult and he had the same reaction. The therapist told us that the experience he had at that school was still affecting him and he was still angry. Angry about his treatment and his experience. With his lack of communication skills, he keeps these feelings inside because he doesn’t know how to express them. He doesn’t know how to explain how he is feeling so we can understand and help him.
On the way home, I cried. I cried because my four year old was violent and aggressive because of anger he has been harbouring over something that happened over two years ago. Two years of confusion and frustration for such a tiny person to carry around. I cannot even begin to understand how he must have been feeling all this time. Feeling alone and isolated because no one understood his anger outbursts and behaviour.
Slowly I could feel the anger growing inside me, thinking about everything that happened to my boy at that stupid school. There are people that shouldn’t be in professions involving care giving of others. Especially the teacher he had. She was in no way qualified to teach children; in no way qualified to handle children and in no way to be even be able to call herself an adult. My first thought was to phone the school and speak to her, or even better rock up there and express every part of my angry state. But what use would that be?
It wouldn’t change the fact that my Monster stopped speaking because of her lack of humanity or the fact that he is angry. It wouldn’t make him forget the experience or the trauma that he experienced under her care. It wouldn’t just make things disappear and make our lives seem a little more normal.
No. Our focus now is far greater. To help Monster get on track again. To help him let go of all the anger he carries with him, and experience feeling free and without burdens. Help him be the best he can be. Start speech therapy to improve his communication skills. Love him for who he is and be patient, because it can’t be easy not being able to talk to someone because you don’t have the words to do so.
Today was a good day for us. We now know how to shape our lives in order to help our son live his to his full potential. We have the answers and we have understanding, and today I’m grateful for this one thing!