Bad Mama

Bad Mama: I Lost My Child


I feel I should be reprimanded in some way, and really feel it. I hate myself for the fucking fail that was me.

I think for me, this was {so far} the biggest parenting fail. For a good 10 minutes on Sunday, I had no idea where my son was.

We went out to a Spur close to our home so Monster could have some fun {and burn some energy}.

We’ve been to that Spur so many times, so I know which table to choose so I can cover the entrance in case he decided to mission. What I didn’t know is that there is an upstairs gaming area. He has never gone there before so yes, I was in a panic when I couldn’t find him at the playground,

This time around, we weren’t able to sit where we usually sit so we were seated next to a window, overlooking the playground. I could keep an eye on him all the timPicsArt_02-08-01.19.40e from there however I wouldn’t be able to see him if he decided to head for the front door.

When we were ready to leave, Byren went to fetch him, but as I stood watching from the inside, I could see the panic spread across his face. He returned saying that he couldn’t find Monster anywhere. I went outside and searched and searched. I looked everywhere. I screamed his name hoping it would reach the top of the towers.
The more I screamed, the more panic I could feel settling in. I started playing out scenarios in my head of what could have happened to him. My darkest fears coming to life in my mind. I should have been more vigilant and because I let him out of my sight for five minutes, he’s missing.

This is a panic that parents, and only parents, can truly understand. Your child being abducted. Your child being snatched away. And it being your fucking fault. Because you took a moment to relax and take a breather.

As I stumbled around, I saw one of the managers and stammered out these words, “Lost. Boy. Blue clothes. Help.”

That’s all I could get out of my system through the tears running down. Immediately he asked necessary questions to help him identify Monster’s appearance and started looking around the playground. I headed in the opposite direction, searching again, hoping Monster would pop out from behind one of the jungle gyms, ending the chaos fucking up my life.
I reached one of the playground supervisors and relayed the information to her and she joined in the search.

At the same time, Byren was keeping watch over Gremlin inside and had notified another manager for a search.

As I walking back to the entrance to enter the restaurant, the manager I first spoke to stopped me and asked if I had checked the gaming room upstairs. I ran up the stairs behind him, hoping to see a little blond boy within the crowd.
There he was, playing a game and giggling his head off at the results. I took a moment to release tears of relief as I took in the situation around me.

He was safe.
He was fucking safe. I tried to keep my anxiety in place as I walked towards him, picked him up and just held him to me. He was of course oblivious to what had just happened. I bet he was thinking how bad I was for interrupting his game.

On our way home, the after-shock kicked in. I sat in the car, crying. I couldn’t stop the tears. Even though he was safe, the what-ifs didn’t just disappear.

It takes a split second for something to happen. Letting your guard down for a few seconds can cost you, with deep consequences. Some so life changing that there is no going back to normal.

I don’t want to be overly protective over my kids but in the world we live in, it feels like it’s the only choice I have.

***
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13 thoughts on “Bad Mama: I Lost My Child

  1. I’ve had a few heart stopping moments like that, but thank goodness not for as long. I can fully understand your panic, there is no worse feeling. 😦
    I’m so glad you found him!

  2. Im crying like a moron over here. I felt every single emotion with you, while reading this! So glad he is safe. This is why I pray over my kids as much as I can!

  3. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing it so others can “learn” from your experience (I am hesitant to say learn as I don’t think you did anything wrong). I just think that sometimes life happens too quickly and a mother can sometimes just not be everywhere.
    I am glad it turned out okay.

    1. I understand what you meant to say.
      It’s true, unfortunately it’s impossible to be everywhere, but learning from someone else’s “mistake” can save that person such an experience!

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