I was around five weeks pregnant when I found out through home pregnancy tests. We shared the news with family, friends, and social media. We were excited. We were going to become parents.
I didn’t think about the fact that we were dating for barely a year. We weren’t ready to welcome a baby into our lives yet. We were barely supporting ourselves, how were we going to support another person?
I didn’t realize what responsibility had just fallen into my lap & I didn’t bother thinking it through. I was going to have a baby. My own, my blood, & I was going to be a mother at 20.
When I first noticed the spotting, I didn’t give it much thought. I knew from stories that friends told me that it was normal for it to happen. The next day there was red everywhere & it didn’t stop. We couldn’t afford to go to the hospital. I had no choice but work through it & hope for the best.
When the cramps started, I couldn’t move. I was literally sitting on the loo, my head resting on my knees with no way to sit up, & crying. Sobbing. There was no control.
There were two reasons for the tears leaving my eyes; I was in agony & I knew that I was losing the foetus. I didn’t need to do research to know the obvious. I had heard stories; I had read the posters on the clinic walls.
We finally made a plan to get to a hospital. After two sets of blood tests, the (student) doctor told us that I was nor miscarrying nor pregnancy; sort of in middle state. I wasn’t fooled; the pain, the blood. I knew what was happening & I knew there was no turning back or saving.
I was given pregnancy hormones to help save the pregnancy but it backfired & there was more blood & more pain following. Eventually, the same answer was given; I’m in the middle still. They sent me home with painkillers.
I hardly slept that night. I lay in the bath after a while; washing away the blood & having the warm water ease the pain. The next day; heavily sleep deprived I tried to carry on with the day, doing everything to distract myself. To no avail, I was back in the hospital that evening.
Blood tests, urine tests; results showed that I was now officially experiencing a miscarriage. I spent three hours in ICU with different doctors checking up on me, pocking my stomach & leaving with different conclusions. There was no mutual ground between them to bring me clarity. There was no assurance that everything was going to be okay. But I didn’t need a genius to tell me the obvious: I wasn’t pregnant anymore.
I knew of my expectancy for five days. I was excited for a few hours. I will remember this for the rest of my life. I can’t say I’m over it completely. How can you forget a moment in life where you were experiencing the start & the end of a life – inside you?
We nicknamed the baby Bean as we obviously never knew what the gender was. We knew we weren’t going to afford the baby, but we weren’t going to let it go because of our irresponsibilities & actions.
I don’t regret falling pregnant, & I don’t regret my excitement. Even though little Bean never made it, it lives forever in my heart & one day I’ll meet my little one who grew its angel wings too soon.
Fly high, little one.