Random Thoughts

Me but Not Really Me

I’ve been feeling very optimistic about fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes. Especially my jeans. “I have a few awesome jeans, okay?”

Unfortunately, as quickly as the enthusiasm arrives, it leaves again. I can’t fit into anything. It’s been a month. Surely one pair would allow me to fit into them..

So its been a month and I can feel my body is slowly recovering. Less pain around the wound, my back doesn’t ache so much and my problem with trapped winds is {sort of} getting better.

I struggled to look at myself naked the first week. Which was impossible because I had to clean my wound every day. Which meant seeing myself in the mirror. I was disgusted by how I looked. My stomach was extremely swollen. I felt hollow and could probably push my hand through my stomach to my spine, thanks to the muscles torn. I felt like I was carrying a huge blob around with loose skin attached to my body.

This was week one.


It’s not a pretty sight and I apologise for that.
It’s hard knowing what to expect after a Cesarean when you’ve never had one. I guess I had high hopes this time because of how quickly I lost weight with Monster. But this time around was a whole different ball game.

Second week looked better. I guess the breastfeeding helped a lot with the contraction of my uterus. So the two weeks of breastfeeding that I could do, helped a lot.


By the third week I started feeling a little better, although I still refused to look at myself in the mirror.
Byren didn’t really understand why it was bothering me. He kept reminding me that I needed to remember I just had a baby. And I fully understand that. But he needed to understand that it was my body. I went through all the changes and transformations. Not him. I have to live with the fact that I’ll never look the same again.
Yes, I have a beautiful baby boy as a result but deep down I think it bothers every woman out there.


You look at yourself and your think, this isn’t me. It’s me but it’s not really me. It’s hard to just accept that fact that you’ll probably never look the same again.

And that’s okay. I think I just need to give myself more time to accept and rock the way I look now.

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