parenting

Neat Mess


dT484EB7cYesterday Byren, Monster and I went out for a late lunch at a local restaurant. It was nice to be able to spend a few hours together with no interruptions and tight schedules.

While Monster was running around with balloons, we watched other children run up and down in the play area. There lots of girls running around in their frilly dresses and hair that was in a perfect mess.

“Their hair is always perfect. Always in a perfect mess” is what I heard Byren say. Those words made me concentrate more on the little girls around us. Sure enough, almost all of them had messy hair that looked neat at the same time.

I knew exactly what he was thinking. I didn’t even need to say anything to confirm it. He was wishing we had a little girl. Not in the sense that we aren’t happy about Monster and Gremlin. More of having another baby, but this time a girl. Since we decided on having just two kids, we’ll never know if the third could’ve been a girl or not.

I felt a lump in my throat as I thought about it myself. As much as I wanted a daughter as well, I knew it would never happen. People made jokes and said we should just be friends with families with daughters so I could still play dollhouse. It’s not the same. She’s not mine. I’m just her entertainment for a few hours.

I wish I could just make peace with the thought once and for all.

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