Random Thoughts

My Demons, My Friends

2015-03-23 13.42.07

Recently I have been having uncomfortable dreams. I know with pregnancy come the weird dreams and unsettling nightmares. However, I don’t know why my dreams would be extracts from my past. The past I never think about any more  often of.

I have been seeing glimpses of my dad and step dad in scenarios where I am hopeless to help myself. Where I can’t get away from them. I’m trapped with them in a time-lapse that I can’t break.

I keep seeing myself in my past. I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m a grown woman, and I can’t break free. I can’t run away. I can’t protect myself. All I do is stay in one place and take whatever they are doing to me. I’m crying in my dream and no one can hear me. Their smiles hang over me and their taunting laughs echo in my ears. No one can hear anything that is happening; no one can stop them. My humiliation is repeated unto me over and over again, in a recurring pattern and no one is helping me.

I woke up a few times during the night, I woke myself up from crying. I would turn to Byren sleeping next to me and just touch his shoulder. I know that I’m safe. He’s next to me. He will protect me. He does protect me. I’m safe. No one can hurt me here. Next I stand up and go check on Monster. He is safe. He is sleeping soundly, seemingly with no worries to wake him up. I reach out to touch his arm as well, to make sure that I’m in the present time of my life. He’s real, his skin warm to my touch.

I eventually get back into bed and then I stare at the dark ceiling. Thinking. I know my mind won’t switch off now. It’s usually around 3 am in the mornings that I lie in bed and I think. I think about why I could be having these dreams again. Why would my past be clinging to me again and haunting me in my dreams that eventually keep me away because I’m scared of falling asleep and feeling trapped again?

I never think about my past as I have dealt with the abuse of my childhood years. Even though I didn’t speak to a psychologist, I did share my memories and hauntings with someone I trust. I was able to get everything off my chest. Eleven years of sexual abuse – I was able to let go. Cry it out. Hate people. Kill them in my heart. I was able to let it all out.

Then I think to myself; if I was really over it, why do I suddenly have these dreams? Why am I haunted by my past again? Surely after four years of letting go, I wouldn’t have such vivid reminders. Does it mean that I have lingering thoughts that I somehow never dealt with?

I’m afraid to fall asleep in the evenings; afraid that this will be the night I’ll have the dreams again and I’ll have to relive the fear and humiliation all over again.

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