Random Thoughts

Understanding a Parent’s Heart


There’s a different understanding when it comes to a parents concern for their children. I truly believe that people who don’t have children don’t understand the intensity of stress parents go through.

For people who don’t have children, I believe they lie awake at night stressing about things concerning them directly. Parents lie awake, stressing first and foremost about their children.
It feels like a clock that constantly counts down a stress factor, and the clock’s batteries never run out.

I remember when my mom and I took my brother to an Ophthalmologist. {That’s an eye doctor that can do it all.}.

I was about 18 and my brother was a year and a half. I went with because I didn’t have anything to do at home really.

We had noticed that CJ couldn’t see very far and his one eyeball kept rolling into its socket from time to time.. We took him to an Optometrist who then referred us to the specialist, the Ophthalmologist.

I remember sitting in the operating room/office  with my mom while the doctor examined CJ. The results didn’t come back positive. My brother had to wear glasses as soon as possible because he had very poor eyesight as well as the rolling eyeball was due to a very lazy nerve that was not keeping it in tact.

I remember my mom breaking out in tears as she held my little brother close to her. I remember crying as well. Not because I understood why she was crying but I knew that when my mom cried, it had to be something bad. She seldom showed emotions in front of me. Except anger. But nothing else.

On our way back from the therapist yesterday, this memory popped into my head and I finally understood. I understood what my mom had been feeling that day. I understood the helplessness you feel. I understood the feeling of wanting to turn back time and doing something differently to not be sitting in this situation..

As a parent myself, I understand the pain and heartbreak you feel for your child. It’s not easy. Its not nice. It’s best described as torturous.
It’s a constant gnawing feeling eating at your heart and you really wish you could rip your heart out to not feel the pain anymore.

I know my son isn’t broken. He doesn’t need fixing.
He is just different to others. There’s nothing wrong with that…
He’s still my son.. He’s still the same little boy I gave birth to and held in my arms for the first time and cried over the joy of having him in my life.

That will never be changed by anything.

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