Bad Mama

Bad Mama: Adopting Love


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Recently Byren & I have started talking about Baby nr. 2. Nothing planned or set in stone, just talking. Discussing when we’ll start planning the next one, when the right time will be, finances, etc.
With the looks of our financial situation, Baby nr. 2 won’t be happening for another year, maybe even two.

There are a few things we need to take care of before we decide that ‘now is the right time’. That includes clearing at least 3/4 of the debt on our names as well as moving into our house. All of this is on our agenda for the next {possibly} two years..

By that time Byren will be 30/31 & I will be 26/27… {Oh my word, I can’t believe I’ll be that old already!!}. So it’s not like we’ll be too old for another baby.. We’ll still be in the margins.

But recently, I’ve been having conflicting emotions about having another baby. It’s not like I don’t want another kid, but I have suddenly become selfish over myself. I recently started off my social life again, seeing friends, attending to my dusted hobbies & sparing myself some free time just to be me.
With another baby, I will need to give up on all of that again. Be almost withdrawn from the outside world & lose some of the independence I have finally gotten back. I have also finally gotten my body back, & after having another baby, I’m scared I won’t get back into shape as I did the first time round. {I’ve heard a few ladies say that it’s more harder to get into shape after the second baby, but I don’t know how true that is..}.

I expressed my {selfish} concerns to Byren & he told me that in the end, we both need to agree on me falling pregnant again so there aren’t any issues later on. I doubt I’ll feel all this once I’m actually pregnant, or regret it & love the child any less. I just want to be 100% certain when we do decide to start trying.

There are a few posts I did over the past few months about how badly I want another baby. Back then I didn’t think about the bigger picture; I just wanted. Now I’m think & wondering about what I really want? Is it selfish to put your needs first & think about your own LIFE. Surely that’s a human right?

After I spoke to Byren about this, he suggested another option. Adoption. Adopting a baby comes with more complications. Things like one day telling the child, or the child finding out. What if they want to meet their biological parents? What if those parents reject the child? What if somewhere along the line, those parents want the baby back? All this awaits on an emotional roller-coaster & you’re the one to have to deal with all of this. It would definitely be more complicated than having one of my own. Byren asked me, “Wouldn’t it be more selfish not adopting a child that needs love than having your own?”. Well, yes, but I’m afraid I won’t love the adopted child as much as I love my own child.

There are so many conflicting feelings revolving both subjects. I just hope I can get over my selfishness & concentrate more on the important parts for my family, as well as myself.

 

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