All this began with me prioritizing my life incorrectly. I was so focused on things that I don’t have, that I shut out the things I do have. In other words, I was being an ungrateful bitch.
Another thing I loved doing was comparing our lives to other people’s lives. I complained to myself about how much better their lives were to ours. How much better off financially they were compared to us. How much more they were able to do for their kids than we could. And I ended up hating those people. Just the mention of their names irritated me into a foul mood.
I concentrated on dragging their lives across a table in front of me & analyzing their lives while our life lay unmoved next to theirs. I compared actions, decisions, thoughts & attitudes. I compared our homes; things they had & were able to afford & the few things we owned. I compared their financial statuses; the way they could spend money on things you don’t really need & we were just covering our basics. Yes, a lot of judgment happened in my head.
After a while, it started bringing me down. I was fighting more with Byren about smaller things while in my mind I was actually accusing him of not being able to give us more. It was the worst mistake I could make, as I know how hard he works to give us a home, food & safety. As I said, I concentrated on comparing myself with others & believing we were not good enough because on a scale, all the other people would be much higher than us.
While I was at home this week, I had time to clear my mind & understand that I was looking at things completely wrong. I needed to see what I had, not what I didn’t have. I was so absorbed in thinking we were poor & lower class, that I never realized that there are people out there in the world that have less than we do & they think we have more & are better well off. That’s when I sat down & made a list of everything I am grateful for.
- I am grateful that I am alive & healthy.
- I am grateful that I have a husband that loves me, that supports me & that works hard every day to look after Monster & myself.
- I am grateful that I have a healthy & happy son, who loves me & is always able to put a smile on my face, no matter what.
- I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, sheltering me from bad weather & proving muyfamily with security.
- I am grateful that I am able to put a warm meal in front of my family each day & we don’t go to sleep hungry.
- I am grateful that I am employed & I earn an income.
- I am grateful that I have running water in my home. I am grateful that I have hot water to bathe myself & my family.
- I am grateful to be studying to one day have my dream career.
- I am grateful that I have friends that care for me & support me.
- I am grateful for my mother that still supports me even though I have my own family & never lets me down in time of need.
- I am grateful for my wide range of talents from singing to writing & a few more.
- I am grateful that no matter what the situation is, I always get through it with a strong head on my shoulders.
- I am grateful that I can wake up every day & be grateful I was able to.
My family is not rich, we don’t own expensive things. We don’t have money to buy whatever we want, whenever we want. We don’t have all the best things in our home. What we do have is the strength to stick together when things get tough. We have the strength to move through difficult times & we have the strength in trusting & depending on each other.
We have been judged a lot on the emptiness in our home & wallets. We don’t own a TV, or a wall unit. We don’t own a good car & our kitchen cupboards aren’t filled with luxuries. For all this, I shouldn’t be ungrateful for what we actually have. We have a lot more than others in the world. We don’t go day to day worrying about what we’ll eat for the rest of the month or how we will survive with no electricity. We don’t worry about not having a warm bed to sleep in or sending our kid to nursery school with no clothes or baby supplies. We’re grateful we don’t have these stresses.
We all have a lot more than we realize. But it’s only when the realization happens that you see how much you already have to be thankful for. It’s only then when you realize it’s not as bad as you thought all this time.