I can’t tell you in detail how many times a day I worry that I’m a good mother. Notice that I don’t say perfect. I worry about just being good.
It’s not guilty feelings that come out that I’m not doing everything for my baby. I worry that I don’t do enough. I don’t have a lot to give Monster, but everything I do give, I give with love. I give it my all. I just wish I could give more. Much more.
As I’ve mentioned before, we live on a budget. There are no expensive things in my house. Only the bare needed ones. One of the only luxuries I have is a dishwasher & I hardly use it. My hands do all the work.
My kid doesn’t have the best toys; all his toys are second hand that my mom gave me after my brother was done with them. My kid doesn’t have the best clothes; all his clothes are second hand that my mom gave me after my brother was done with them. Neither was his cot or mattress or pillows or curtains anything brand new. Not even the car seat. People helped us with all of that. Most of it came from my mom. For which I am grateful. I don’t know where we would be hadn’t it been for everyone who helped us here & there. I’m eternally grateful to all of them.
I wonder if one day Monster understands why he didn’t have a lot when he was growing up. I know material things aren’t the most important things. I just don’t want him sharing where he came from with his friends & them not understanding; laughing at him. I don’t want him to go through humiliation & feeling he is less than them.
Then I think maybe we’ll have better conditions when Baby nr.2 arrives. When we will be able to afford everything & more for him or her. Will Monster feel less loved because he had less? Will he think we didn’t spend as much money on him like we do on the next baba? Will he understand the circumstances allowed us to be more sufficient without anyone helping us as they did with him? Will any of my reasoning be enough for him to accept the past as it was?
I know I might be overthinking matters. Matters that haven’t happened yet. Matters that might never happen.
But I can’t help worrying for the past & the future.