pregnancy

Strike Out with One Stripe


For those who have followed by blog intensely might remember the two posts I put up about feeling ill & suspecting I was pregnant. These can be found at  Nauseous Fairy & Ugh, make it stop!!!.

Now this post should have been up by the 26th of April but I really wasn’t up for talking about it just yet. So while reading this, think of it as two weeks ago.

***

disappointment

I decided to hold out from during a pregnancy test until after I knew that my cycle was late. Yep, I was suspecting {& hoping} that I was pregnant. It was a pretty small chance that I could be pregnant though; one time of accidental timing couldn’t possibly hold the chance of pregnancy, right?

Still I held onto that chance. At first I didn’t think I could be pregnant, then I started experiencing some symptoms which are related to being pregnant. I first picked up on the symptoms & then started thinking of the statistical possibilities.

With Monster, I had no symptoms. I didn’t know I was pregnant, my sister-in law suggested it in a joke, & I only checked my menstrual calender a while later, realizing I was almost two weeks late.

I had no cramps, no morning sickness, no back pain or any other early pregnancy symptoms. If I had never checked my M.C., I would’ve probably started suspecting something was up once I missed my second cycle. Yep, I wasn’t very focused on following the calender. These days, it’s my every day companion.

For a week long, I was nauseous. I had horrid cramps, I had back pain, I was constantly hungry & I visited the ladies room more often than usual. I eventually realized that these were all early pregnancy symptoms. Even though I never had them before, somehow I knew what they were.

Two days into the ‘Symptom Stage’, I truly believed that I was pregnant. I stopped chain smoking, tried to rest more, tried not to put too much strain on my body. My mindset had switched so quickly, I didn’t allow myself any what if’s. I started daydreaming about holding a newborn baby in my arms again. I know I should have kept my mind open & my heart closed before I knew for certain.

But I opened myself to either happiness or hurt. It lasted a week. From the Tuesday to the Tuesday. When I woke up on the Wednesday morning, I felt absolutely normal again. Like It Never Happened. There were no suspicions then, nothing to base on.

I didn’t stop hoping. Of course I wanted to keep believing that I could be pregnant. Just that small chance. I still decided to do a pregnancy test. I think it was more to put myself at ease & know the truth.

I read that chemical pregnancies can occur when you do the test before you are late on your cycle. Tests shows positive & then your period comes in, resulting in an ‘early miscarriage’. I don’t know if I can question this theory as it was the opposite for me. With Monster, I fell pregnant with him the day before my cycle, had my normal cycle & then six weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Maybe it’s different with all women; how their bodies work & read to reproduction. In this case, if the theory is correct {medically speaking}, then was Monster a miracle? Although Monster’s conception was an exception, I didn’t want to take a test too soon, I didn’t want to face any early disappointments.

Thursday I was due for my cycle to start. I went to bed filled with more hope; another day without the cycle meant a step closer to possible pregnancy. On Friday morning, I decided that if my cycle hadn’t come in by the end of the working day, I’d purchase a pregnancy test. The day dragged. An hour before home time, I tried not to use the loo to save for the test. I didn’t want to wait until the next morning so I thought I’d buy two tests; one for the afternoon & one for the next morning, in case I needed to make sure.

Once I had purchased the tests, I tried to walk calmly to the bathroom, while telling my bladder to keep itself in. I needed the contents more than ever now. Once I was inside one of the cubicles, I ripped the packaging open with my teeth & proceeded with matters. I didn’t bother putting the test down & avoiding staring at it until a few minutes passed. I needed to know NOW. At first I thought I had ruined the test, nothing happened. No two lines, not even one. I was sure the test hadn’t worked & that I needed to do another one.

Just as I was about to throw the used test away; one line started to appear. It was very faint at first then grew darker. Feeling a little excited again, I realized the test worked in steps & waited for the confirmation line to appear. I don’t know how long I sat there waiting before my smile completely disappeared & I knew the second was not going to appear.

As if Murphy had been sitting with me in the cubicle all along, silently laughing at my pathetic actions, my cycle came in. If only I had waited another half an hour, there would have been no need for a pregnancy test. Maybe I could have felt a little better if I hadn’t gone through all this.

***

I had been wrong about Byren’s reaction to all this. I didn’t want to tell him about my suspicions or that I entertained myself with using a test. I remember his reactions to the previous times I suspected that I was pregnant; that I was over-thinking matters before I had any facts. And yes, I had over-reacted previous times before I had any facts either.

I only opened up to him about my feelings a day later, on our anniversary date. Partially because I burst into tears after I lost three games out of four in bowling. Because I’m not a bad bowler so I had reason to be upset. So my emotions started running high again & before I knew it I was sobbing about not being pregnant. It caught Byren by surprise so I didn’t expect him to understand my break down. But I was wrong. Byren told me he had noticed my change of attitude; he had suspected that I was thinking of being pregnant. He told me that he had also hoped that I was.

I know that we are not planning at the moment for another baby so it can’t justify my expectancy of falling pregnant. But I’m allowed to wish & want another child really badly?

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