Random Thoughts

“It Should Have Been a Girl”…

be thankful for what you haveIf you have read my page, The Lost One, you would know that I had a miscarriage in 2011. If you haven’t read it, I’ve linked the page here.

It was a terrible time for both Byren & I. It was so difficult to handle; it was easier for us to break up than deal with it together.

When I was around five months pregnant with Monster (a year later), Philip & I went baby shopping. Philip is one of my closest & cherished childhood friends. We didn’t know the gender of the baby yet but he REALLY wanted to buy something that day!

We scouted around in the Ackermans baby section before deciding to buy a neutral package, colored baby green. I still remember arguing with Philip about it being too expensive with him convincing me that he was buying it anyway.

At the till points, {a complete stranger, I must add}, the cashier looked at my belly & then at the clothing in his hands, & obviously put two & two together. The conversation went something like this:

Cashier – Is this for you?

Me – Yes, it is.

Cashier – Are you expecting a boy or a girl?

Me – I don’t know yet. We are finding out next week. That’s why we’re buying neutral colors.

He smiled at us & carried on with the sale. After a long pause in speech, without looking up, he replied.

“The first one should have been a girl.”

I actually laughed at this. Not a ‘from the stomach’ laugh. It was more of an uncomfortable squeal that escaped my throat. Why would he say something like that? How could he have known that I had already lost a baby??? I didn’t respond to his words, we paid & left.

As we walked out of the store, I turned to Philip & asked, “You heard that too, right?”

He nodded, clearly as shocked as I was. Maybe it was just coincidence that the cashier had said that, not really meaning anything with it.

It meant something to me though. The dude clearly didn’t know how spot on {in a certain sense} he was.

Let me explain, in the five days that I knew I was pregnant, Byren & I had already decided on a name. We couldn’t quite agree on a boy’s name but if it had been a girl – we would have named her Zoe. I was hoping it was a girl. More like believing it was a girl. I was already picturing the shopping sprees we’d have, the girl’s nights we’d spend together. I never had any of this with my mother. The whole ‘mother-daughter’ special relationship. I didn’t know how that felt to have that. I still don’t honestly. I thought to myself; “I’d be the mother I never had.”

When I found out with my second pregnancy we were expecting a boy, I wasn’t disappointed. With losing a baby, I learned to be grateful for what you have, count the blessings in your life & be happy with what you have. For a long time I believed that the reason for my miscarriage was that I was so fixated on having a daughter that I completely scratched the thought that it could’ve been a boy. Maybe I convinced myself so hard that we were having a daughter, that if it had been a boy, he felt ‘rejected or unwanted’ somehow? I don’t know if that makes sense?? Maybe that’s why I lost the baby? My body just subconsciously rejected the fetus. It sounds ridiculous to your ears, but I truly believed this.

I have a son today. I don’t have thoughts like, “Oh, I wish he was a girl.” I love being a mama to this beautiful & cheerful fella. There’s not one day that goes by that I think I wished he was a girl. I’ve learned to count my blessings. I wasn’t picky second time round. When people asked what I’d rather want {boy or girl}, I replied with:

“It doesn’t matter, I want a healthy baby. I’ll love her or him unconditionally all the same.”

One thing I learned from all this is to be grateful, to accept & to love with no boundaries.

Because I wouldn’t want to end up being like this mother with kid(s) one dayBe Grateful, Not Picky.


One thought on ““It Should Have Been a Girl”…

  1. Something that a friend of mine said while on the topic of finding out your child is gay has always stuck with me.
    She said something in the lines of “I just don’t understand how, upon finding out they’re pregnant, the parents say that they don’t mind whether its a boy or a girl. They just want a healthy baby with ten fingers and ten toes. But then, when the child turns teenager or young adult and they find out that their child is gay, its not okay anymore. I don’t understand how sexual preference makes a difference now. So you have a son who likes boys or a daughter who likes girls? It shouldn’t matter because they’re still your healthy child with ten fingers and toes (if you took care of them properly)”.
    Just for interest sake…

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