The day has descended on me… “Not that I waited long since yesterday…”
I could hardly eat anything last night & had a restless night of sleep. Stress is inevitable. Then last night, as well as this morning, I started experiencing pain in my one breast. I don’t know if it’s because of stress that I might be imagining things going wrong or it could really be pain.
Monster can sense something is wrong as well. Usually when I leave him at school in the mornings, he forgets about me & runs off to join his friends. This morning he walked me to the front gate, stood next to me & lifted him arms for a hug. Not just any hug; a long fuzzy one. I kneeled down & held him tight in my arms. Every time I tried to pull back to get going, he would start whimpering & grabbing my shoulders to hold me again. Eventually his teacher had to pick Monster up so that I could leave the premises. As they walked away, I watched from the car how Monster tried to wiggle out of her arms, his arms outstretched in my direction with tears running down his face.
I felt a lump in my throat. I tried to cry even. Nothing. No tears, just a somber expression on my face as I looked at myself in the rear view mirror.
I asked myself out-loud, “Why do you have such bad luck? Wasn’t this year suppose to be different?”
I had no answer for myself. All I could think about when I was 19 & I have to go for a Cervix Cancer sonar. Same stress. Same emotions. Same empty feeling.
I have to leave in an hours time for my appointment. It’s going to seem like the longest drive of my life probably.
Trying to stay positive has never felt this hard..